I'm a work in progress.

Everyone has issues. Some are big, some are small, but we all have them. I struggle with demons from my past, and when I say struggle I mean I fight them every day.

When I was 15 years old I met a boy who would eventually become the father of my son. He was the guy all the girls wanted. He was good looking and charming, he was fun to be around, and he was the "bad boy". He was the wild one that couldn't be tamed and me being the stubborn girl with "daddy issues", well I was going to tame him. For the better part of 4 years I tried... sometimes I made progress and sometimes I didn't. What I didn't know then was that you can't make someone be what you want them to be.

When I got pregnant I thought that maybe this was exactly what we needed to finally settle down. I was SO wrong. When children try to be adults, ugly things can happen. The stress of going from a carefree teenager to a parent proved to be too much for us. To say that the relationship turned ugly would be an understatement. Things became constantly strained and tense and eventually the screaming matches turned physical.

We were both at fault, we were both to blame. Our lack of maturity prevented us from expressing our frustrations in a positive manner and it wasn't healthy for anyone involved, so we split up. I have a lot of residual hurt from those years. It's easy for me to say that I'm over it, and that I dealt with it, and in a lot of ways I have. However the other night while talking to my husband, a realization hit me.

When I look at my son, I see his father. His facial expressions, his smile, the way he purses his lips when he's trying to pull one over on me, the anger in his eyes when he thinks I'm being unfair, and even some of the things that he says. It's hard, I've known that for years, but what I just realized was WHY. It's hard to raise a child that I love so much, when he reminds me SO MUCH of a time in my life that was so painful. I wouldn't change one second of my life, because if I did, I wouldn't be where I am and I wouldn't have the child that I have. What I need to remember is that it's not Nathans fault that he looks like his dad, and it's not Nathans fault that he wants to be just like his dad. I made choices that laid the foundation of his life and I need to try and remember when he's pushing me to my limits that he's Nathan... not his father.

Somehow through all of my wrong turns, I made a few correct ones. I have not only somehow managed to raise a child that is turning into a man that I am proud of, but I also found a man that loves me despite my "issues", and together we created the most beautiful, happy little girl that I've ever seen. My husband understands my demons, he watches me fight them and he steps in when he knows I'm losing the battle. He understands that sometimes I build walls around myself and that more often than not, I need him to help me tear them down. He takes me for what I am below the surface and understands that what I let most people see isn't always the "real" me. He knows that I'm a work in progress, and he loves me anyway.