Tomorrow my baby starts High School. He starts High School. Nathan is starting High School. It doesn't matter how I say it, or how many times I say it, I just can't believe it. I can remember holding his hand when we crossed the street. Rocking him to sleep at night. Walking him into pre-school for the first time. The first time he said "ma-ma". Watching him sleep when he was a baby. Kissing the tears away when he fell down and skinned his knee. Putting together his tricycle. How did he grow up so fast?
I'm met with mixed emotions. I'm excited for him, I'm scared for him, I'm scared for me. High School for me was the beginning of a downward slide of bad choices. I'm terrified that my son will make the same mistakes. He will be met with new freedom that he's never experienced before. He will be mixed in with kids that are 2, 3 and 4 years older than he is. Kids that have made certain choices about sex, alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes that I don't want him choosing.
So I'm presented with the question; Have I done enough to prepare him? The answer is no, because no matter what, you can always do more. I could have had more talks with him. I could have stressed the importance of staying in school even more than I already have. I could have told him how proud I am of him even more often than I have. I could have also locked him in the basement and lost the key until he's about 25... wait, I might still have time for that one! I have never been so afraid in my entire life.
Nathans father and I both left high school before we finished. We also both eventually went back and got diplomas after the fact, but that is not something that I deem acceptable for our son. We also got pregnant just out of high school. That is ABSOLUTELY not ok for Nathan to do. Nathan is going to do things differently. The cycle ends here. I screwed a lot of things up for myself and it made my journey a lot harder than it needed to be. I will not let him do the same.
I have heard a lot over the last several years from members of my family that I am "too hard" on Nathan. I don't agree. My family was not hard enough on me. I'm in no way blaming them for the mistakes that I made, however I do believe that I made some of those decisions because I knew I would get away with it. My son should know that he won't. I look at him in the same way that I'm sure my mom looked at me when I was starting high school. He has so much promise. He's smart and funny and sweet and loving. Sometimes I can't believe that even through all of the parental mistakes I've made over the years, he has still turned into such an amazing young man.
So now I wait. I wait and hope that everything that I've taught him up until now will stick with him, and I will continue to stress the importance of making good choices and hope that somehow I get through to him. I have a feeling I will spend a good part of the next four years holding my breath, with my fingers crossed, while praying... feel free to join me.
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