Finding Security

I've always been fairly independent. More on the "leader" side than the side of "follower". My mother taught me well. She raised my sister and I for the majority of our lives without any help and made it look easy, although I know it wasn't. I always thought that independence was a good thing, and in a lot of ways it is. I've been raised to know how to do things that usually fall into the category of male responsibility. I can replace the inner workings of a toilet, I know how to shut off the water valve in case of a leak, put up weather stripping, change a flat tire, check my oil, and I'm pretty handy with a hammer and nail. I have proudly stated dozens of times over the course of the last 10 or so years that I didn't "need" a man and that I could take care of myself. This is still true to a certain degree, but something has shifted.

I can remember telling my husband in the very early stages of our relationship that even though I loved him, I would never "need" him. The thought of it makes me cringe now. What a horrible thing to say. What I was trying to communicate was that I wasn't needy, that I wasn't looking for a caretaker, I was looking for a partner. I didn't communicate it very well at all. I can't even imagine what it probably felt like for him to hear me say that, and I'm sure that he'll never admit it, but it probably hurt his feelings.

The truth is, I don't NEED him in the literal sense. I would survive if I didn't have him. But all literal definitions aside, I really do need him. I need him for the support he gives me. I need him to help me raise our daughter. I need him to reassure me when I'm feeling unsure. I need him to be by my side and most of all, I need him to love me. He provides me with something that no one else has been able to give me. Security. I know that no matter what happens I will always have someone on my side. No matter how badly I screw something up I know that he will stand by me.

I hope that he knows that I was wrong when I said I'd never need him. I hope he knows that I've never counted on someone as much as I do him, and that I never even trusted anyone enough to be able to count on them. I also hope that I've provided him with some sense of security and that he needs me even half as much as I need him.