As most of you probably already know, I just had a baby on May 14th, a perfect little girl that we named Grace. You also probably already know that I have a son as well, who will be 14 in August. I've had a lot of comments from people about how I "started over", I've also had people ask if I'm "crazy". The answer is no! Well... maybe a little.
The truth is that I thought I was crazy. Throughout my pregnancy I had many doubts about whether or not I was doing the right thing. I had a lot of demons from the past, (more on that later), I already had a child who I adored, and I had finally found the man that I loved and would spend the rest of my life with... why mess with a good thing? I didn't have an answer... but I do now.
You mess with a good thing because sometimes you can be even happier. It took less than 10 seconds after my daughter was born for me to know that I made the right choice. I fell completely head over heels in love with her immediately. SHE is what I have been missing.
I have a lot of regrets from my younger years, specifically in regards to my son. I was young when he was born... only 4 years older than he is now. I knew nothing, but of course I thought I knew it all. I loved him from the start, but because of my age and lack of maturity I didn't love him as well as I could have. That is not an excuse, but it is the truth. I missed so much. I was there for the "milestones", I watched him crawl for the first time, and take his first steps, and I heard his first words, but I didn't realize all the little things that I was missing. I was too busy being selfish and wanting to hold onto my youth to realize that I could hang out with my friends anytime, but the precious moments with my son would be something that I would lose forever.
Every day of my daughters life there have been moments that I have been lucky enough to witness. She's not old enough to be walking or talking, but there are expressions on her face, noises that she makes, moments where she sighs in her sleep while I'm holding her, all things that I took for granted the first time around. I won't make that mistake again.
I'm so much better at being a mother this time around and that gives me mixed emotions. On one hand I feel so lucky to get to be Graces mommy, and on the other hand I feel like my son got the short end of the stick. In reality, he doesn't remember that I was gone a lot of the time, but I remember and that's bad enough. The bright side is that I've learned from it and I'm now taking the time to enjoy the little moments in his life too. He's been walking and talking for years, but I can still enjoy the smiles and the excitement when something good happens to him. I can still walk in his room at night and see how peaceful he is when he's sleeping, and most importantly I can still make sure that every day BOTH of my children know that their Mom loves them more than anything in the world.
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