Daddy Issues

I've learned a lot in the past several years about Dads. No two are quite the same.

My husband, for instance, has only been a father for about 6 weeks, but he's amazing at it. He loves our daughter and wants all the best things for her. He worries about her and takes care of her. He doesn't do everything right, and yet he strives to be perfect. Perfection doesn't exist when it comes to parenting, and he'll figure that out eventually, but for now it makes my heart almost explode when I see him trying so hard to be everything that he thinks she needs him to be.

My Grandfather is perhaps the best father I've ever had the privelege of knowing. He loves his kids, his grandkids, and his great-grandkids. He is always there when we need him no matter what, and he makes it look easy. He's been like a father to me for most of my life, letting me live with him when I needed a chance to regain my footing, and helping my Grandma take care of Nathan when I was not quite ready to be the mother that he needed.

Then there's my father. My parents got divorced when I was 9. At the time my mother made it seem as though they were splitting up for geographical reasons. My dad had been transfered to Wisconsin for his job and after living there for a year my mom told me and my sister that she wanted to move home to Rockford. We, of course, were happy to go home. We missed our cousins and our grandparents. What I didn't know, and wouldn't for almost a decade, was that my father had been cheating on my mother... and this wasn't the first time. God bless my mother for protecting us from that awful piece of information. She never once in my entire childhood, said a negative thing about my dad in front of me or my sister. Despite her best efforts to keep my father in a positive light for us, we figured out in our own time that he wasn't exactly what a father should be.

We started out visiting my dad every other weekend. After a short time those visits spread out to once a month, and eventually we were only seeing him once every couple of months. Amazingly it took almost 10 years for me to actually connect the term "absentee father" with my own. My mom did everything virtually alone. She had help from my grandparents of course, but now that I've been the "single mom" I know for certain that even with outside help it's just not the same as having TWO parents for your kids.

My dad didn't want kids. I know this because on my 22nd birthday he looked me straight in the eye and said "It's not my fault I was a shitty father because I never wanted you to begin with." No words have ever hurt me more. I felt like someone had stabbed me through the heart. I Looking back I can see now that he didn't mean that he didn't love me, he was just trying to explain why he wasn't good at it. Either way, it was a cop out. I never thought I wanted kids either. The difference between my father and I is that once I had Nathan, I changed my mind. I learned from my mistakes and tried to correct them as best I could. I missed things in the beginning of my sons life. Not because I didn't want him, or because I didn't love him, but because I didn't know I was missing them. My father had been a parent for 22 years the day he revealed his "excuse." He knew exactly what he missed and still didn't care.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my feelings about my father. I realized that I got pregnant the first time because of what I was lacking by not having my dad around. Probably most of my rebellious years can be blamed on my "lack of dad" so to speak. I do not blame him for the mistakes I have made, because regardless of WHY I made them, it was still my choice and I knew right from wrong. I love my dad very much and I have accepted him for who he is, flaws and all. I chose to do that because I wanted to keep him in my life. The truth of the matter, however, is that I'm glad that my kids have fathers who love them and show it, and that they get to experience being loved by my grandfather. I feel that the cycle has been broken and that makes up for anything I may have missed out on by not having my dad around.

The Rush To Grow Up

How do we slow the growing process? I don't mean literally, but rather figuratively. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to properly express to my 13 year old that he should enjoy the age he is and not wish his childhood away. He's in such a hurry to do all the things that adults do. It's not uncommon for me to hear him say "I can't wait until I can move out" or "I can't wait until school is over so I can get a job." WHY???

I think I'll write him a letter outlining some of the examples.

Dear Nathan,

In your haste to grow up and leave my house, I believe that you have overlooked some very important issues. I have taken the liberty of listing some of them here for you... If you move out, the following things will happen:

1. Groceries will stop appearing in the kitchen. Not only will you have to pay for them, but you'll also have to go to the store, pick out what you want, load it all in the car, unload it all when you get home, put it all away in the kitchen, and then use what you bought to make something edible to keep yourself alive... it's a lot of work and you might just find yourself wondering if it's even worth it. Sometimes starving sounds more appealing to me than going to the grocery store.

2. The dishes that you use to cook with and eat off of will no longer transport themselves from the sink to the cupboard. In related news, the food that you leave on said dishes will also not remove itself. It's possible that your appetite will also be affected by the way milk smells when it's been left in a glass overnight... it does NOT get better with age.

3. Contrary to what you may think, clothes do NOT wash themselves and then walk themselves to your room and neatly climb into the closet or dresser. You will also become aquainted with a pesky pest called WRINKLES. Wrinkles may be a stranger to you now, but you'll become very close, I assure you.

4. Speaking of clothes, you will find it much less amusing when the dog that you love so much chews up the socks you left on the floor. This is because you will have to pay to replace them.

5. Ignore number 4, I don't know what I was thinking. You won't be able to afford a dog.

6. Although I'm sure you never realized it before, things like water, electricity, and your beloved MTV will no longer be freely accessed. This may cause you to actually turn off a light when you leave a room or (gasp) NOT take a 45 minute shower. Speaking of showers... you will no longer be able to yell from the bathroom: "Mom, I'm out of body wash" and have me respond: "There's more in the cabinet."

7. The $75 shoes that you INSIST on getting will become a distant memory. Suddenly Payless will seem much more tolerable and you'll start wondering why you would pay so much money for something that you walk on all day.

8. Although going to school seems like hard work, it's really not. Going to work is much worse. If you think having me boss you around is bad, just wait until you are making minimum wage and having to take orders from someone who makes twice what you do and does half the work.


Sincerely,

The Maid Your Loving Mother

I'm a new mommy... again.

As most of you probably already know, I just had a baby on May 14th, a perfect little girl that we named Grace. You also probably already know that I have a son as well, who will be 14 in August. I've had a lot of comments from people about how I "started over", I've also had people ask if I'm "crazy". The answer is no! Well... maybe a little.

The truth is that I thought I was crazy. Throughout my pregnancy I had many doubts about whether or not I was doing the right thing. I had a lot of demons from the past, (more on that later), I already had a child who I adored, and I had finally found the man that I loved and would spend the rest of my life with... why mess with a good thing? I didn't have an answer... but I do now.

You mess with a good thing because sometimes you can be even happier. It took less than 10 seconds after my daughter was born for me to know that I made the right choice. I fell completely head over heels in love with her immediately. SHE is what I have been missing.

I have a lot of regrets from my younger years, specifically in regards to my son. I was young when he was born... only 4 years older than he is now. I knew nothing, but of course I thought I knew it all. I loved him from the start, but because of my age and lack of maturity I didn't love him as well as I could have. That is not an excuse, but it is the truth. I missed so much. I was there for the "milestones", I watched him crawl for the first time, and take his first steps, and I heard his first words, but I didn't realize all the little things that I was missing. I was too busy being selfish and wanting to hold onto my youth to realize that I could hang out with my friends anytime, but the precious moments with my son would be something that I would lose forever.

Every day of my daughters life there have been moments that I have been lucky enough to witness. She's not old enough to be walking or talking, but there are expressions on her face, noises that she makes, moments where she sighs in her sleep while I'm holding her, all things that I took for granted the first time around. I won't make that mistake again.

I'm so much better at being a mother this time around and that gives me mixed emotions. On one hand I feel so lucky to get to be Graces mommy, and on the other hand I feel like my son got the short end of the stick. In reality, he doesn't remember that I was gone a lot of the time, but I remember and that's bad enough. The bright side is that I've learned from it and I'm now taking the time to enjoy the little moments in his life too. He's been walking and talking for years, but I can still enjoy the smiles and the excitement when something good happens to him. I can still walk in his room at night and see how peaceful he is when he's sleeping, and most importantly I can still make sure that every day BOTH of my children know that their Mom loves them more than anything in the world.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

I have no idea what I'm doing starting a blog. I guess it stems from random thoughts that I have while updating my facebook status but not having enough characters to properly express them.

I can't promise that this will be very interesting, or that my grammar and spelling will be correct, and I definitely can't promise that you'll agree with everything that I say. That being said, this could be fun or it could get me in trouble... maybe both!

Anyway, thanks for at least checking it out!